It's the road I have driven down thousands of times. The happy road. The Mommy road. The Daddy road.
Now it is not the Mommy road, not the Daddy road. It's just a road that used to have happy on the other end. It brought me to the people who loved me most, loved me longest, loved me deep.
Without realizing it, I drove on it again today. I saw a house that is painted maroon that my mother always commented about. "I love that house" she would say every single time we passed it. I passed it today and there was silence. Does anyone care that my mother loved that house? I do.
I apologize to God for missing my parents. I explain to Him that I know they are in His presence. I know that are fully alive. I acknowledge, for the umpteenth time,that I realize they lived long, blessed, happy lives. I understand that my life was blessed because of their lives. I realize people all around me are enduring deeper pain than the loss of two parents in their nineties. BUT....
I miss what used to be. I still do. "Lord, I still cannot drive down this road. It's two and a half years and I cannot do it."
What? I don't have to?
OH. He understands?
OH. He doesn't care that it's two and half years?
OH. OH. OHHHhhhhhh.
Sometimes, some "roads" don't lead to happy anymore. When we drive on those roads, it reminds us that what used to be there isn't there anymore.
We don't like to be reminded.
We miss what used to be waiting at the end of that road - a happy marriage that became unhappy and angry and ended; a house filled with children needing to be raised who are gone and grown and don't need us anymore; a life focused on doing God's will that got off balance and lost it's way; a friend who betrayed us; a child who is lost.
We cannot travel those roads anymore. It still hurts too much.
The God filled with compassion and mercy says, "So, don't."
Let Him heal you in His time.
Until then, it's o.k. to avoid the road that continues to break your heart. It's o.k. to focus on the goodness of God and not the weakness of humans.
It's o.k. to be broken.
He came to heal the broken hearted
He will heal us.
Because that's why He came.
He doesn't reject us because we are broken.
He isn't disappointed because we are bruised.
It's o.k. to avoid some roads... for now.
He will lead us in the path that we should go.
And He is always waiting at the end of every road.
To welcome us in to His presence.
Where there is JOY beyond measure.
"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out."